Hormones, fatigue, self-consciousness, your partner, and physical discomforts are the main obstacles to enjoying sex during pregnancy. Woman-to-woman, I want to talk you through common barriers to sexual pleasure during pregnancy and how I’d approach overcoming them.
Pregnancy Hormones
When you’re first pregnant, your hormones are all out-of-whack (not the most technical term, but hey, I’m not a doctor). The first trimester pregnancy hormones cause extreme fatigue, morning sickness and extremely painful breasts. Either one of these symptoms alone would be enough to dampen a woman’s libido, but together, they conspire to seriously interfere with your desire for, and enjoyment of, sex.
“Knocking boots” can make your queasy stomach do flips, and if you’re so tired that you’re going to bed at 7:00 pm, there’s probably not much happening between you and your partner after that. And if he won’t keep his hands off your ultra-sensitive breasts, it make your temper flare and put the kibosh on love-making.
Unfortunately, there’s not a lot you can do to overcome pregnancy hormones. They just have to settle down on their own.
What you can do is adjust your sex life to take advantage of times during the day when you feel your best. For many women in the first trimester, the hours between 11:00 am and 4:00 pm are going to be when they feel least tired and least ill. When you’re having a good day, call your partner before lunchtime and invite him to meet you at home for a special lunch. Keeping your bra (and maybe even shirt) on will help deter him from man-handling your painful chest.
Fatigue
After the first trimester, women usually find their fatigue diminishing. Sometimes, with the second trimester comes a burst of new energy and lots of it sexual. That’s the good news!
The bad news is that by the end of the second trimester and throughout the third trimester of pregnancy, that fatigue comes back. Usually it’s at the end of the day, but sometimes you may feel oppressively tired all day long.
When fatigue keeps you from feeling in the mood, follow the first trimester tip above and consider a schedule change. Set your alarm clocks a half hour earlier a few days a week and try making love in the mornings, instead of at night. Alternatively, talk with your partner about taking you to bed earlier in the evening. My fiance always wants to stay up to 11 pm and I’m usually asleep before he is. If I want to make love at night, I have to explicitly tell him and ask him to come to bed earlier. You might have to do the same!
Another idea would be to mix in some more erotic fare during your movie night. I’m personally not a fan of porn, but I do like lusty movies every now and then. Movies with some hot love scenes might get your pulses racing while you’re on the couch. You might be surprised at how much less tired you feel after watching Antonio Banderas and Selma Hayek get it on in “Desperado.”
Self-Consciousness
Body image interferes with many women’s enjoyment of sex, even before pregnancy. Some women feel unattractive during the later months of pregnancy when their belly is huge. And for many women, pregnancy involves not just belly swelling but pounds added to the hips, thighs, arms, bottom and face. In other words, you’ve puffed out. Stretch marks on the belly, breasts and bottom might be very noticeable in your later weeks of pregnancy, and if you have the linea negra, you have a dark line going down your abdomen, too.
So…okay…I get why you might be self-conscious about your body.
I can’t just tell you to get over it. It’s true that you do look different. Its true that you may not feel like yourself and that the changes to your body may make you feel unattractive.
But it’s also true that you are beautiful. Even with the extra inches and pounds, even with the full belly and the discomforts, you are a beautiful, beautiful woman. Did you need someone to tell you that? Well, there, I did. And you can repeat it to yourself as often as needed.
Claiming your beauty and believing in it are, I believe, difficult things for most women, pregnant or not. That’s part of why I have a beauty-themed store–I want women to arrive at Maternitique.com and feel instantly beautiful.
If your own body image is interfering with your desire for sex, there’s some interesting reading about sensual pregnancy over at Laura Shanley’s website that might inspire you to feel a little differently about yourself. You might also consider exploring fantasy as a way to imagine your way to a sexy image of yourself. Nancy Friday’s books (My Secret Garden and Forbidden Flowers) about women’s sexual fantasies might inspire you to feel less shy and self-conscious about your body. (Head’s up: those books are extremely sexually explicit.)
Your Partner’s Hang-Ups
It might also be true that your partner notices the changes in your body. Some men are seriously turned on by their partner’s pregnant shape and some men aren’t. If you suspect your man isn’t charmed by your body changes, my best advice is to talk with him about it–calmly, if possible. If your partner admits that he’s not aroused by your changing body, try not to take it personally. Ask him if some sexy lingerie might help and then surprise him with a hot bra and panty set or chemise. (There are some really sexy maternity lingerie designers out there!)
A conversation with him might reveal that he loves your pregnant curves. You might discover that you’ve been projecting your own insecurities onto him, in which case, the lingerie might help you feel a little better, too.
It could be that if he’s withdrawing from you sexually, the reason has nothing to do with your attractiveness to him, but rather his concern about you or the baby. Many men think that sex during pregnancy can harm the baby (it can’t). Really great guys may be so concerned about your fatigue and sensitive breasts and problems sleeping at night that they leave their partners alone and don’t initiate sex in order to give you a break. If that’s not what you want, let him know!
Some men are weirded out by feeling the baby kick while they’re getting amorous, or they see you differently and feel conflicted about being sexually attracted to you because you look like a mother. That’s understandable, right? Again, an honest conversation may help here.
If the baby kicking is what sets him off, then suggest to him a different position so he can’t feel it. If he’s losing his erection because of mental tripping over you becoming a mother, you can put extra effort in to making him forget his hang-up. Come on stronger with your flirting and foreplay to get him so worked up that he doesn’t have mental space left to think of you as anything other than his sexy vixen.
Physical Discomforts
One of the obvious issues with sex during pregnancy is that eventually, your belly gets so big that it rather gets in the way. Your heavy, large abdomen will eventually become a discomfort that can interfere with intercourse.
The solution? New positions, of course.
You-on-top, straddling him as he sits in a chair, you sitting on the edge of the bed, on your knees with your arms and head resting on a pillow…all of these positions allow you to avoid pressure on your stomach.
We’ve talked about breast tenderness earlier, but it’s worth another mention. I don’t know about you, but I can get extremely hostile rather quickly when I’ve asked my partner NOT to touch my painful breasts and he does anyway. I mentioned earlier keeping your top and bra on during sex as a way to deter him. How about tying him up to the bed? You tell him it’s sex play, but really, you’re making sure he keeps his hands off you!
Hemorrhoids, leg cramps and vaginal or cervical pain are also symptoms of pregnancy that can interfere with sex. Nothing says “Come f*#k me,” like the smell of hemorrhoid cream, am I right?
Your enlarged, heavy uterus can result in varicose veins in your vulva and bottom. It’s terribly painful (been there) and sure to make you avoid sex. Prevention and treatment of vaginal or anal hemorrhoids is the best way to overcome this obstacle. To prevent, make sure you get up and move around during the day; avoid sitting or standing for long periods of time. Talk with your health care provider about compression hose and soothe painful spots with cold compresses and Earth Mama Bottom Balm. Use a hemorrhoid sitz bath or sit in a tub of warm water with comfrey tea in it three times a day.
Leg cramps affect a lot of pregnant women. To avoid getting leg cramps during sex, do leg stretches daily. Make sure you’re taking a calcium/magnesium supplement and drinking plenty of water. If you get leg cramps during sex, next time, try a different position.
And lastly, vaginal or cervical pain can pose an obstacle to having sex during pregnancy. If you experience internal pain during sex, do talk to your health care provider about it quickly. Some vaginal or cervical discomfort is due to changing lubrication or swollen tissue that are a normal result of hormonal changes during pregnancy. But burning or painful sensations can also be caused by a yeast infection or other issue. Don’t avoid the conversation with your health care provider; it’s important.
I hope these ideas help you enjoy having sex during pregnancy. You don’t have to tell me, but you’re also welcome to, if you’re comfortable sharing!
Love,
Tara
My fiance had a birthday last week, and as a fun little gift since our wedding is fast-approaching, I bought him A Gentleman Walks Down the Aisle: A Complete Guide to the Perfect Wedding Day from Brooks Brothers. The book covers everything from how a gentleman should propose marriage, to how to give a toast at someone’s wedding, to how to acknowledge guests and family members following your wedding ceremony.
